Acceptance

Acceptance seems to be the word that waltzes around in my psyche right now. Her graceful, peaceful almost angelic presence drifts in, extends her hand, and invites me to dance.

And when I take her hand, the world feels different. I feel different. It feels emotional, like an other-worldly experience that transcends the struggle and drama. It feels like home like being held and supported by a force that’s bigger than me.

But the presence of acceptance hasn’t always been there. It wasn’t that she wasn’t there, it’s just there was no room for her. Because my shadow consumed the space she now occupies.

Throughout my life I’ve wrestled with unworthiness. Not feeling worthy has been a beautiful burden. The truth is without this wound and feeling of ‘not being enough’ – I’m not sure I would have had such an interesting life. But I felt an angry shame about not being good enough. If anyone even suggested it I felt the urge to punch them in the face and break down and cry all at the same time.

I was terrified that if people could see or if I shared how I felt people would use it against me or even worse pity me. So, I shielded myself with achievements and beautiful experiences, these were my armor. My ‘f*ck you, I’ll show you’ to the world.

Unworthiness was my fuel. This wound undoubtedly created beauty but it’s been my biggest burden. I’ve lugged this heavy, dark shadow into so many experiences and it’s tainted my memories.

This year I was swallowed whole by the darkness of my shadow. I saw my hurt, my pain and my anger. I saw the hurt little girl who just craved love. It was a bombardment of the senses as every repressed memory leaped forward.

I used a lot of our Intuitive Psychology Association techniques and went to a coach who guided me through an incredible cacao session. I trudged through my shadow and it felt like wading through treacle tar.

And then something remarkable happened.

Bit my bit the darkness faded, space opened up and the acceptance that was always there was now visible.

I reconnected with my Dad after almost 18 years. Saw my step-dad after 8 years and never felt so much love towards my Mum. I’ve built the most incredible business. And I’ve never felt so in love with life.

Is my shadow still there? Yes. But I accept its presence. Unworthiness is welcome, I care about that part of me. I accept I am not perfect. I accept I get triggered. I accept I am a continual work in progress. I accept lots of things are outside of my control. I accept my past. I accept myself. And it feels like freedom. It feels like home.